«approach to the meaning"

Para reinstalar o Windows no meu velho portátil, tive de fazer um "back up" de ficheiros antigos com ainda algum interesse (que bom deitar na reciclagem toda a pasta com o título "Escola"!). Entre os ficheiros de 1999 deparei-me com um, escrito por mim em inglês, que me fez presentificar a "experiência" de 1994-1999, precisamente a assinalar o fecho do que foi o ciclo fulgurante da minha vida, aquele que verdadeiramente a dividiu num antes e num depois (antes d' Ele e depois d' Ele).

Transcrevo para aqui (por copy-paste) esse texto, que terei enviado na altura para um site sobre a "experiência de Deus" em que se pedia o envio de "testemunhos" da mesma natureza (talvez nem tenha enviado, pois que não refiro qualquer endereço electrónico do site e não me lembro de o ter feito). A esta distância a memória que tenho das experiências de que tento dar conta é tão viva que faz jus à citação feita no texto (de Four Quartets):


25 de Janeiro de 1999, 11:11:24

Thank you for having written about your experience of God in the net. Why should one feel so delighted when someone else bears witness of something that only those can understand who have experienced it? Why does it seem so important to know about others, even be alert for signs of recognition all around you? Why this need to communicate with others something that is beyond intimacy? And when God gathers you, I mean, when it is His will that you meet that other one who "has been there" (not knowing where), you have no words, only a sense of communion... Why? Why shouldn’t that happen with those nearest to you, say, with husband, children, parents, brother, or sister?
You speak of God's impersonality... In that respect I would say God is beyond our concepts both of personality or impersonality. I feel neither of these words will do to refer to Jesus’ love. Besides I am not so sure about the exercises... Why don’ t you write about God’s grace, really "amazing", when you suddenly feel involved, anytime of the day, anywhere, when you can’t give yourself up entirely to Him, as you wished, because of the people around you... And you find yourself praying: "Why, why hath Thou not come to me, my Lord, when I was praying this morning and could open my heart entirely to Thee?"
Why don’t you speak about how delightful it is to feel even the thirst for God, how beyond delight it is to feel you love Him, with a love that is His gift (regardless your merits), since you can’t have that experience of divine love, unless He bestows it on you. I mean, love in such a way as you can’t say or know if it is your Love for Him or His love for you. It is when He wishes, not when you wish. Why should we resist longing for this delight, as S. Juan de la Cruz advises us to?
Why don’t you comment on the periods of staleness, say, aridity (sometimes for more than one year ) and on the need to endure it and persist? Anyway, "approach to the meaning restores the experience in a different form, beyond any meaning we can assign to happiness." T.S. Eliot knew about it.
You can’t speak of impersonality or personality in the context of this happiness, this need to sing, rejoice and delight in the Lord. I think that is what makes Christian mysticism different, it is as if our mystics have somehow gone a step further.
I am sure you have asked yourself the same questions and reflected upon them. I thank the Lord that there are so many people mailing you on this subject (no wonder, anyway, since it is the very meaning of life).